From the moment you woke up this morning I knew it would be one of those days. Your anxiety... I can feel it ... I can taste it like its dripping out of your pores.
What if I'm just trying for nothing. What if all the way we've come just loops us in circles. Is this a dead end? When do I decide to throw in the towel.
Why does love have to hurt so bad. Do I belong here.?
Is this relationship garbage to you.? You toss me out like the trash when your mad. Am I that easy to get rid of. Is a shirt worth back tracking for? Is anxiety worth screaming over.
I'm here to love you...but is love enough for you?

Come back to me.

Ive been asking him all day why's he's not talking or why he's acting blah and distant but all I get is denial.. trying to start a conversation was a fail. Trying to turn him on in the middle of a day was a fail.
Ugh... I pray the last couple days weren't too good to be true.

I'm trying.... your not the only one with Insecurities.
But for some reason every time I tell you what's bothering me ..you act dumb...denial. and it gets turned on me.
Obviously you don't realize I've been watching the situation all day. So your excuses are silly.
This is just me venting.
I just want my old joey ... where is he? The one the could make me feel like a million dollars on the worst of days. The one who could keep his hand off me ... always had to have atleast an ARM around me.  Maybe he forgot how we had to fight for just a kiss. How falling asleep in eachothers arms was yet a dream we both had. 

What's going on here?

Am I being avoided by the man I live with? There's more times in the day where it's nearly impossible to start a conversation. Everyone's else you can chat up a storm with. Are we becoming strangers?
Even the sex is different then It was a couple months ago.
Are your feelings lost? Is it just the medicine? I'm sitting here trying to convince myself it's just my head but its almost a daily routine now.... And the weirdness with the cell phone? Do I say something.
No... Because I don't want to fight... And I don't want to know. I pray every night while I can't shut off my mind that its just me worrying too much. Please lord.... Let it just be me.... Make it go away. Bring my Joey back

I feel like an outcast here. Honestly I hate living in this house. There's too many people and at the end of the day I don't even think a majority of them like me. My bills have out weighed our income and frankly were depending now of money that isn't even coming until god knows when. I'm too stressed.

Something fishy is going on and its more then obvious your up to no good

Why

Why do I put myself threw this. Why do I have to have so much hope. Why do I continuously let this happen. Why do I give you excuses.

Why am I still here

It'll pass...right?

Maybe it's only going to last a little bit. Last time it seemed to have lasted weeks. I keep asking myself how I think I can keep doing this over and over. Is it fair?
When things are rough all the attention has to be directed at him. By now I know I can't have feelings unless I want to make things worse, but today I'm in pain. I can't even be sick? I don't get it. As much as I'd love to give you all of my attention and devotion there's times when I can't. When I need to be cared for, not these negative attitudes.
Sometimes I just wish I could escape for a bit. Just go for a drive and clear my head. But I can't even do that.

It's been awhile since I've posted but today out of all days my thoughts must be sorted out.
One little argument just like always turns into this ..... this time I decided to do research cuz I'm fed up with the same thoughts that fill my head overtime.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be with you. Like I tell every other military wife.." its takes a special person to love someone with ptsd" maybe I'm not strong enough. Maybe I've already dealt with too many other people reflecting there hurt on me.
I can't change him.... all I can do is love him. But now I realize there's something Im missing. It hurts to sit back and think that there's a good chance I'm not cut out to be able to take on this role.  Love out of all things is the hardest to give up...specially since he means so much to me.. here's the deal cassie... you can leave and save yourself and possibly even save him...or you can keep having faith. Pick your weapon cuz either way your in a long road of struggle and hurt...
Here's were I ask myself...do I deserve this? Does he truly need me. Does the good out way the bad? Is the emotional whiplash worth it. What do I do from here? Where do I go? I was sold a dream and.somewhere in the fine print there where nightmares is have to live through in order to live ly fairy take love story. Ptsd isn't something I have a cure for...and the love I have to offer doesn't seem to ne cutting it... maybe it puts a damper but can I bare it any longer.

This is old yet so interesting. Wrote before July

The last few weeks have opened my eyes. Some things I've been holding in for what seems ages.
     I've never claimed to be perfect, and I made it very clear that I wasn't. I am very much so human as are you. I make mistakes as do you. I have opinions and mindsets that could very well be nothing like yours. Thats humanity. That is what sets each person apart. That my love is why I am nothing like that last.
   Yes things have changed. I am scared. July seems so close an before I would say I was excited and in reality I am but I'm beyond nervous. Because once I was pretty positive I knew what I was moving into. Time has shown me jealousy and bitterness you still hold. Something you have brought with you from before me. I'm scared the person you fell in love with isn't what you bargained for. I'm scared when I get down there everything will get worse.
   Everyday I wonder if he's afraid of pushing me away. If he stops and thinks or realizes that he is in fact pushing me away.
    Any more it seems like everything I am doing is wrong. It's become more of a job to please you and make you happy.

mothers day

I just want one day all to myself. I carry around way too much. I try to be happy for way too long and I'm way too many people support that I'm having trouble simpley carrying myself.
I'm trying to hold you together so you don't fall apart...and I'm trying to keep my son from falling apart.
I just want someone to pick up my pieces....not scold me for falling apart.
A mother shouldn't cry on mother's day. It's not fair. I've put way to much effort in a day to day bases to be crying.
I guess as of right now the best present someone could give me is solitude because the only one that seems to be willing to care about my feelings is myself.

I'm drownding. I'm caged. I can't breath. Everythings telling me to run as fast as I can from you. Maybe it's stupid of me to think I can fix you because at this point patients and understanding with an extra dose of love isn't clotting your wounds. Is this what I want to do my whole life? RUN.

Untitled for a reason

I'm starting to think this was all too good to be true. Everyone's starting to see the issue isn't me it's you. You make everything harder for me, and everything harder for you. Why can't we just be happy with they way things are going? Is that to hard for you? The tables were turned and the problem was always me but deep down beneath the wound it was only you driving yourself crazy. I put everything on the table and I gave you my all If I'm not there 100%, I was never there at all. But how can you make her happy if your not happy yourself. this feeling you get wrapped up around was never good for your health. You say you trust her but you need to see. Trust is believing, Well did you ever really have faith in me.

What it all comes down to...

All the mistakes I've made I give you every right to be upset, but you get so wrapped up in the hurt that you can't see how much more I'm doing to fix it.
If your going to forgive me...then forgive me. Sadly enough your pushing me away. Your negative energy is eating me up inside because I try everything in my power to make it go away and its always something new. I know some you can't help but a lot you can. I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's something I must live with everyday and I'm trying to keep you and myself happy from the mistakes I've made. 
We'be began taking eachother for granted and I refuse to let this coarse continue. I'll do whatever I can to prevent failure but I camt do it alone.  It feels like you expect me to have full control over that but I can't. So here we are..... I didn't want this but maybe my mom is right. Maybe if we realize we can loose eachother we'll come to see how important this relationship really is and well work harder, swallow pride, and clear the canvas for a new chapter. I know I've done everything to fix me...but what are you doing to fix you.

I lied. He's the death of me. Because when he's mine I'm alive. He's my life. He's my pills that take away my pain.
Everything is crumbling under my feet.  How can we let this fall apart? How can we just walk away knowing it was the best thing in both of our lives. Granted....I guess we forgot how hard we fought for this and how rare of a love we had. Well never find it again. Just like the lotto it came so fast..it only happens once and before you know it...its gone.
How am I ever going to move on. 
All I want isn't for seen in the near future.  So all I can do is sign over my rights and leave both my hearts to a better life without me.  The thought is burning a hole in my mind. The plan is all thought out. The hurt is already consumed my soul months ago. All is left to do is leave my regrets on a peice of paper and just do what my demons have been ordering me to do. 

This weekend

So today was my first interview since I got laid off my last job. I have to say I'm pretty excited about the job opportunities that I have this time.
I'm more than ready to start a job that actually will give me good money.
Specially because the money my ex has to give me I really don't want. He seems to think I cant support myself without him....please watch me.
And if I get this job that offers atleast atleast 500 bucks a week. Wouldn't that be nice.  I'll take it.
And tomarrow  starts a beautiful weekend with my boyfriend and son.
I really need a vacation and to spend time with my favorite people.
I'm not even going to lie tomorrow night I'm going to let loose and get drunk for the first time since thanksgiving which if you know me that is an improvement.
Wish me luck... tomorrow's snow storm will not put a damper on my weekend.
As for now I have to do laundry and pack. Boo =[

I hate technology

I seriously own nothing but garbage. It's so frustrating when my phone and laptop quit working.
I am in desperate need of an awesome paying job. All this shit has got to go.
Time to upgrade
My phone's screen is moody and my computer has a virus that refuses to go away and the battery went bad. Who wants to pay for a new one of those?
Fml

On a brighter note I have an amazing boyfriend and a job interview tomorrow

Court is in session

  So this lovely Tuesday started with snow (Boo) and court bright and early. I had this uncontrolable nervousness in my head about seeing my ex. I knew he'd have something asshole-ish to say to me about how I left him for another man, and boy did I hear it.
  I think someone needs to tell this kid that controling your wife, constantly flirting with other woman, acting like a child, drinking and not being able to have sex longer than 5 minutes only leads to a "Dueces I''m out."
  Who would have known court could have gone so well. Not only did I get everything I was asking for I got the dignity to know that just as he degraded me for the last 3 years I  let the whole court room and people in the waiting room know about his ridiculous lie about having sex with a girl he later found out had a penis ( Come on now (-_-) )  and as he proceeded to make up silly stories how I cheated on him with FOUR men I reassured him that I only had sex with have a man during our marriage because thats all his penis can count for. Mind you I've waited years to tell him this but this time I actually got to see his face in absolute horror when I said that in front of everyone. Including his mother, yes I know I'm ruthless. But little did he know you should never piss of an italian girl.
   It's funny to think that he came all the way back to Illinois thinking he was going to take everything from me. Guess the joke is on you buddy.
  It was heart breaking to know I had to let my beautiful bed set go but getting rid of the biggest pain in my ass was worth it. I can always get a new one. As for my car ( Aka Black magic ) she's still in my posession and I will be taking a road trip in her with my wonderful boyfriend friday.


(Btw don't I look snazzy for my court appearance? )

   Speaking of my wonderful other half I'm more so happy to say that he was the reason I had a good day. Despite the fact that Karma pretty much raped my ex, what really makes my day is when he's happy. In a few short days I'll be in his arms once again where I belong. I mean hell, its a fucking job in itself to be away from your bestfriend.




  And I spend my evening with the first man to change my life....Ulysses. I have to admit I brought this world a little boy with a damn big heart. I don't think words can explain what he's done for me.

What was once your battle, we now share.

  Soo all day I've been pondering on what to blog about today. Perhaps the issue of which my parents suck with kids? Or how about that I'm nervous for court tomarrow. Today was a pretty productive day for me. In fact I thought it was really good.
  But as quick as lighting something goes wrong. I'm left here wondering if or what I did to trigger your mood. My stomach is turning and I can't concentrate on anything other then you. It's easy to say this happens almost everyday.
  Love....If you ask me to describe it I can only say one thing.. Pain Killer. When used right its a wonderful thing, when abused it can kill you. Thats not the only aspect I feel is similar, Pain killers hide the pain right? You take it and the injury is still there but the pain is hidden. Would it be ok to compare this concept to being blinded by love?
  I constantly check my phone to see if maybe you'll say something to ease the tension in the air that is so thick it can be cut with a knife. How long will I wait? Is this a test of patients or perhaps a test of commitment.
  As I sit here over evaluating every last thing I said or move I made trying to figure out if it was me in fact that upset you or something totally irrelevant to me. I'm lost?
  What could he possibly be thinking about? His mind leaves a pattern of worries that keep me on my toes. A ballerina could very well have prettier toes then me at this point.
  When the wounds are healed and nothing but a scar is left...will we still be battling human's worst enemy, the mind.
  What was once me trying to escape my own prison I now find myself doing that while trying to break you of yours. Is the task at hand impossible? Will I burn myself out trying? I deserve this.

    Its almost 4 AM and strangely I'm wide awake. This, my friends is not normal. How do I make myself tired. I can think of a way but that delightful way is not excessable at the moment. No its not drugs.
  So I'll just ramble about how my day was. For starters my beautiful nephew turned 3 (Happy birthday Alexander James Smith) which went well.
   Then I waisted my time watching the Packers embarress me as a fan and themselves as a team, (-_-)
   Went home and did absolutely nothng.
  

I Wish.......

My befriend was here. Couples so in love are not meant to be apart

Progress?

So today was the first day I put on a bikini since I was six. I was a little impressed and finally convinced to keep it. 
I don't know if I've made up my mind yet but I'm definitely making progress. I blame him 100% =]

Bestfriends

Never in my life had I known someone to care as much as he does, and sadly now a days its hard to find someone to care at all. Its turned into a "Dog-eat-dog" world.
  I'm absolutely amazed with how much he understands me, even I'm still on that journey of figuring myself out. From time to time I know I suprise him. I like to keep him on his toes. ;-]
  I've never felt so vunerable and safe at the same time. He tore down all my walls but thats ok because I know everything I've been closing off to the world is safe with him.
  He has this way of letting me see diamonds, when all I could see before was dirt. Never have I felt this sexy and wanted until I met him. And if anyone really knew me they'd say he worked a miracle.

It's really Saturday?

  Time is dragging because I'm anticipating not only the weekend get away I get to have cost free but the arrival of my other half who will be joining me. Its only been a week since we've been apart but everyday seems like forever. I hate long distance.
  The next week I'll be doing nothing but job searching because laying around the house looking cute doesn't pay the bills. Tuesday I'm hoping my divorce can finally start because I am more then ever ready to take that bumpy road and get it over with. I would have never guessed divorces were this draining. This will definitely be my first and last. I will admit however I didn't choose the easy road for this one ( not that divorce has an easy road in most cases ) but in the end everything will be worth it. No body should have to sacrifice their happiness to make someone else happy.
   As for this weekend I get to spend four lovely days with the little boy who stole my heart the moment we met. Who would have thought having kids could teach you more about life then you could teach them.
 

Friday the 13th

   Like a car accident done and over with, today we pick up the peices. As much as we can replay it in our heads it doesn't move us forward.
  Today I'm empty, I have nothing left. I refuse to argue anything more having to deal with this disaster we find ourselves wrapped up in. Where does this leave us? Yesterday could have been so perfect.
  I shut myself out of the network but for the last few days I just wish there was a deactivate for our lives just so we can be nothing but a memory just for a couple days. I wonder if people would miss me. Twenty years of fighting for myself I think Im ready for a break. Your suposed to be my escape.
  I lay here alone wishing this pillow was yours chest and this blanket your arms.  I don't have much emotion left in me right now...
  And I honestly believe this distance is a test, a test that we're failing. I can sense your doubt and taste your fear. That same fear you mask with anger.  I'd be niave to believe our story would be flawless, but I refuse to let it become nothing but flawed, the rest is up to you.
This beautiful Friday the 13th decided to make itself present the second it hit 12:00 am last night.
  Who is right or wrong is irrelavant at this point. I'm not fighting anymore to prove a point, I'm fighting for us. I'm not saying either of us is to blame more then the other. I know a big fraction of this is my mess, but I'm asking if my bestfriend wil help me pick it up. If you want to fight for a point, prove to everyone who thought this wouldn't work that they were wrong.
   Let the storms roll in and we were always the ones dancing in the rain, despite how bad the thunder. We lost our carelessness in the fight to pick up the pieces. Quit worrying about how the Vase broke and pick it up before we continue to step on more glass.
  If I had one simple wish right now I'd wish to take away your pain. Even if that meant keeping it for myself, it was my fault anyway. The distance between us tests our ability to build more then just a physical relationship because thats how it all started.

 

Venting

Well today was perfect..... I'm numb from all this running in circles. Can you blame me?
Ive cried everyday I've been back. Can I get a break? Just one good day or is it hard for you to believe that someone is actually capable of changing. I'm not her. Were fighting the same fight over and over. Where is this getting us? No where.
I refuse to let out relationships turn into the disasters we put an end to in Virginia.

Pull me apart, leave my pieces at the door.

  All I needed was one last word. Three years of mental abuse I owed myself those words. There were so many things I was too nice to tell him, but I had to open that curtain for my sanity.
  In all honesty I dont know if I'm sorry... because theres almost a selfish side to your point of view. Of course I'm sorry for hurting you but for doing it? Probly not. I've spent my whole life looking out for whos feelings I've hurt and forgot about the rage building up inside my heart. I needed to let that rage go and if you can't understand that then I'm slightly confused as to who you want happy here.
  I can assure everyone it's not a matter of not being able to let go. I can't even begin to describe that anger and rage I have towards him and the funny part is it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with my son. I'm not fighting this fight for me, but I tell you nothing is bothering me to save you from worry and I forget about me. I hide my pain and rage for him because I know anything to do with him upsets you.
  My fight is just begining, yours is ending... The difference between me and you is I don't go down without a fight, and you told me no matter what you'll be there for me but now its to the point where I can't even talk to you about it because weither its good nor bad it all upsets you. I'm left to do nothing but fight this on my own in my head. Its exhausted and eats apart every bit of me. I feel like I'm not allowed to be angry or upset still.
  If this is how you want it to end, I'm sorry it ended like this. I really wish you could put on a pair of my shoes for once.
    I love you.
 

This story is only begining.

   We go our whole lives searching for our "soul mate" or that fairy tale ending. Its so cliche now to think that he's my knight in shining armor, but I don't care. I can't even begin to explain the magic that sparks when we kiss.
   I once found it hard to believe that each person had another half somewhere in the world waiting for them, but I sit back and think how my life played out and how my best friend was right under my nose. Almost every little detail in our lives, had the slightest change we would have never met and its almost scary to think of that because I honestly can't picture my life without him.
  He's one of the only people in the world that understands me, and thats on several different levels. He's the only person who can look in my eyes and see if I'm hurting, when it was so easy to hide it from everyone else. He tore down my wall and saved me from myself.
   I wish I could describe the feeling I get when I'm in his arms. Its too simple to say I feel "Safe" because I feel way more then just that. I feel as if I'm off fighting a war with myself and the second I feel him I'm back home safe.  I can't even begin to explain how every time he kisses me my mind shuts off and I could easily forget the world.
  They say once you spend so much time with someone your minds become intuned to eachother. It wasn't that way with me and him, our minds always worked together.. he is infact my other half.

01/12/12

    Just when I thought I knew myself down to a "T" I suprise myself. Weither my actions were due to my lack of self asteem, or just plain stupidity, I may never forgive mysef.
Here's where I pick the options apart like always and try to figure out why I did what I did.
   Option 1: Maybe I'm not used to being treated so good by one individual. I mean how does one go from practically rolling in the dirt their whole life striaght to a life of luxury practically over night. Weither we like it or not some of that dirt comes with us.
   Option 2: I look back at my actions and I reminded myself of the peice of shit I waisted the last 3 years with. Did he turn me into the monster he himself is? I'm not going to lie it could very well be a possibility. Am I still like a child absorbing others peoples actions and turning them into my own? I was always the one to learn from everyone else's mistakes but am I making them my own now?
   Option 3: I'm just an ignorant person who can't accept life could possibly be what I've always dreamt about.

   Maybe all of this is irrelevant at this point because I've caught my mistakes and plan to prevent it from ever happening again, but me, I like to understand myself. Trust me it's not as easy as it sounds. I tend to surprise myself from time to time.

   The fact of the matter is when you feel like your losing the most important thing in your life, it leaves you no choice but to pick apart the problem and fix it while it's still fixable.
   The last serveral months have been more then a journey in my eyes. The roller coster rides left me to do nothing but hold on closer to the few people that mean the most to me. I've learned more about myself in these last few months then I have in the last few years. As much as I want to hate myself for some of the things I've done I can't...because theres some things I would have never learned had't I made certain choices.
   Now I'm more then ever ready for the future and excited to see what it has in store for me.