Just when I thought I knew myself down to a "T" I suprise myself. Weither my actions were due to my lack of self asteem, or just plain stupidity, I may never forgive mysef.
Here's where I pick the options apart like always and try to figure out why I did what I did.
Option 1: Maybe I'm not used to being treated so good by one individual. I mean how does one go from practically rolling in the dirt their whole life striaght to a life of luxury practically over night. Weither we like it or not some of that dirt comes with us.
Option 2: I look back at my actions and I reminded myself of the peice of shit I waisted the last 3 years with. Did he turn me into the monster he himself is? I'm not going to lie it could very well be a possibility. Am I still like a child absorbing others peoples actions and turning them into my own? I was always the one to learn from everyone else's mistakes but am I making them my own now?
Option 3: I'm just an ignorant person who can't accept life could possibly be what I've always dreamt about.
Maybe all of this is irrelevant at this point because I've caught my mistakes and plan to prevent it from ever happening again, but me, I like to understand myself. Trust me it's not as easy as it sounds. I tend to surprise myself from time to time.
The fact of the matter is when you feel like your losing the most important thing in your life, it leaves you no choice but to pick apart the problem and fix it while it's still fixable.
The last serveral months have been more then a journey in my eyes. The roller coster rides left me to do nothing but hold on closer to the few people that mean the most to me. I've learned more about myself in these last few months then I have in the last few years. As much as I want to hate myself for some of the things I've done I can't...because theres some things I would have never learned had't I made certain choices.
Now I'm more then ever ready for the future and excited to see what it has in store for me.
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